Saturday, June 21, 2014

Washington Redskins Settle Name Dispute!



This just in! You read it here first on the 2 Percent Blog.

The Washington Redskins have settled their team name controversy with the federal government.  Effective immediately, Washington’s NFL team will be known as the Washington Elites.


A series of new rules have been implemented that befit The Elites stature as the team representing our nation’s capital.  Washington lawmakers, the President and the NFL have agreed to the following rulebook revisions:

1.       The Elites will be enabled to appropriate a portion of the revenue of every other team in the league.  That amount will determined by the Elites’ Board of trustees.  The Elites will also be empowered to audit the books of other teams in order to ensure that they in compliance with their revenue sharing obligations.

2.       Should they fall behind in a game, or be in jeopardy of falling behind, the Elites will be allowed to print their own points.

3.       The Elites will be allowed to indefinitely detain players or coaches of opposing teams who they judge to be threats.

4.       The Elites will be allowed to monitor discussions in the opponents’ locker room.

5.       They will also be allowed to listen in on opponents’ phone conversations between the upstairs coaching box and the field.

6.       They will be permitted to fly surveillance drones over the opposing team’s huddle

7.       They will be enabled to conduct random drug tests on any opposing player at any time before, during or after the game; and to suspend said player if he is in violation of the Elites’ guidelines.

8.       The Elites will be able to conscript any players or coaches that they so desire into their service.  Should a player or coach refuse service with the Elites, refer to item #3.

9.       The Elite’s will be allowed to appoint their own Refereeing Crew and Replay Review Officials.

10.   The Elites will be allowed to change the rules of the game at any time.

The White House, The NFL and the Elites management released a joint statement saying that this settlement represents and “an important step forward for the league and for football fans everywhere”.

In a related story, The Washington Nationals, Capitols and Wizards are in closed door meetings with Congressional leaders and White House representatives seeking similar deals in their respective sports.

 

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