This just in! You read it here first
on the 2 Percent Blog.
The Washington Redskins have settled
their team name controversy with the federal government. Effective immediately, Washington’s NFL team
will be known as the Washington Elites.
A series of new rules have been implemented
that befit The Elites stature as the team representing our nation’s capital. Washington lawmakers, the President and the
NFL have agreed to the following rulebook revisions:
1.
The
Elites will be enabled to appropriate a portion of the revenue of every other
team in the league. That amount will
determined by the Elites’ Board of trustees.
The Elites will also be empowered to audit the books of other teams in
order to ensure that they in compliance with their revenue sharing obligations.
2.
Should
they fall behind in a game, or be in jeopardy of falling behind, the Elites
will be allowed to print their own points.
3.
The
Elites will be allowed to indefinitely detain players or coaches of opposing
teams who they judge to be threats.
4.
The
Elites will be allowed to monitor discussions in the opponents’ locker room.
5.
They
will also be allowed to listen in on opponents’ phone conversations between the
upstairs coaching box and the field.
6.
They
will be permitted to fly surveillance drones over the opposing team’s huddle
7.
They
will be enabled to conduct random drug tests on any opposing player at any time
before, during or after the game; and to suspend said player if he is in
violation of the Elites’ guidelines.
8.
The Elites
will be able to conscript any players or coaches that they so desire into their
service. Should a player or coach refuse
service with the Elites, refer to item #3.
9.
The
Elite’s will be allowed to appoint their own Refereeing Crew and Replay Review
Officials.
10. The
Elites will be allowed to change the rules of the game at any time.
The White House, The NFL and the
Elites management released a joint statement saying that this settlement represents
and “an important step forward for the league and for football fans everywhere”.
In a related story, The Washington
Nationals, Capitols and Wizards are in closed door meetings with Congressional
leaders and White House representatives seeking similar deals in their
respective sports.
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