Please Update Your Contacts

by Joe Siano

I was just absorbing the news that HBO dropped Gone With The Wind, an American cinematic and literary classic when this urgent dispatch arrived.

From the Bureau of Sensitivity
Washington, DC
June 10,2020 – 2:30PM

Effective immediately all states, cities, towns, streets and public squares that are named
after slave-holding founding fathers will be renamed.

To make this change as efficient and painless as possible, these changes will be implemented on a wholesale basis.  Thus, you may use the FIND and REPLACE functions on your computer to quickly make following deletions and substitutions:

1.       Places previously referred to as Washington, will now be named Obama.  (Please note that the monument formerly known as Washington, will soon be painted.)

2.       Places formerly referred to as Jefferson, will henceforth be called Jay-Z

3.       Places formerly named Madison, are now Oprah

4.       Places formerly called Monroe, will be LeBron

In addition to the above, it has come to our attention that President Lincoln wasn’t all that after all.  It turns out that he prosecuted the War Between The States for the benefit of rich white folks – Northern Industrialists and Financiers.  Freeing slaves was an unintended consequence.

Henceforth all places formally named for Lincoln shall be called Cosby.

Thank you for your prompt attention in this matter.  We apologize for any inconvenience.

Related Articles:

Donald, Adam, Milton & Will

The Flawed Legacies of Hamilton and Jefferson

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"Half the people are stoned and the other half are waiting for the next election.
Half the people are drowned and the other half are swimming in the wrong direction." 
- Paul Simon