When The Sixers Woke Up As The Teeners

 

by Joe Siano

 For Immediate Release

Effective immediately, The Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers NBA franchise will become the Philadelphia Sixteen-Nineteeners.  For marketing and merchandising purposes the team, heretofore called the Sixers, will be known as the Teeners.

The team’s principal owner, released this statement:

“Upon the 1964 relocation of the Syracuse Nationals to Philadelphia the team’s name was changed to the Seventy-Sixers. This acknowledged Philly’s central role in the American Revolution and the year that our founding Declaration was signed.  This is what was taught in our history books and we were once proud of in a less enlightened time.

Through the 1619 Project we now see that the War For Independence was not a crusade for freedom and democracy.  Rather, it was a despicable  ploy to perpetuate slavery on American soil.  Fully 41 of the 56 signatures on the Declaration of Independence were those of slave owners.   We can no longer be associated with this shameful blot in our past.  We choose instead to be identified with groundbreaking and liberating 1619 Project."

The Teeners' owners arrived this decision via a “process, a journey that that produced exciting insights and conclusions for our city and our league”.

As befits the Teens' position as a high profile leader in the Delaware Valley, Harris called upon Philadelphia's city fathers to to rename Independence Hall to Oppression Hall in recognition of the “awful conspiracy” which it housed.  He also recommended that the Liberty Bell be smelted and recast into an over-sized set of manacles as a monument to the “painful past” that the United States has inflicted on People of Color.

Harris fully supports Commissioner Silver who is on record saying that in matters of racial justice, “the NBA may be in a position to have more of an impact on this issue than almost any other organization in the world....among the players, coaches, former players .... you have some of the most well-known people of color in the entire world.”

Furthermore, the Teens’ owners feel that Silver is on target when he observed:  “I do feel a particular obligation to focus on the African-American community in that we have a league that is roughly 75 percent African-American.  And I feel part of the obligation comes from the history of this league that I’ve inherited.” At the time of this quote:

“…only one of 30 teams have an African-American president and just two have African-American general managers.  The only other person of color running a franchise is the Toronto Raptors’ Masai Ujiri, who is Nigerian. Since 2010, just six of 30 openings for president of basketball operations or general manager were filled with black candidates. And the situation is only slightly better for black head coaches.”

Harris continued, “it is due to the patriarchy and White Privilege that people such as myself and the other owners enjoy positions of power over the Persons of Color who play the games.  Therefore, the Teeners have proposed to Commissioner and the NBA Board of Governors that within five years:

1.      All non-POC NBA franchise owners divest themselves of team ownership

2.      All non-POC Executives with titles of Vice President of greater, resign their positions – this includes League Headquarters as well as at each Franchise

3.      The NBA and WNBA will merge into one gender-neutral league with a uniform pay scale

4.      The NBA will be governed by the Players Collective

5.      The international aspect of the NBA will be acknowledged in the collective by voting representation of the NBA's international partners, most prominently the People’s Republic of China.  (Note: PRC input will be vital to organizing the workers’ collective.)

“These important changes have been 401 years in the making”, concluded Harris.

 

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