The French
Foreign Minister is imploring President Obama to cut his vacation
short amidst the deepening Middle East crisis.
Meanwhile, the Washington Times chides the President that he is poised
to surpass
Tiger Woods in the number of golf rounds played over the past five
years.
My advice to our Commander in Chief is “stay
the course, do not leave the links”. We’ll
be just fine without you.
In his 1973 novel, Breakfast of Champions, author Kurt Vonnegut created a fictitious
novelist named Kilgore Trout. In one of
Trout’s short stories, Hail to the Chief,
the people elected a chimpanzee President of the United States. The chimp would dress up in a little blue blazer
with the Presidential Seal on the breast pocket and then jump up and down whenever
Hail To The Chief was played. It was a
real crowd pleaser.
Political junkies may also remember the 1980 Presidential
debate in which Governor Ronald Reagan squared off against Independent John
Anderson while President Carted boycotted the event. Carter
was represented onstage by an empty chair. Saturday Night Live spoofed this fiasco and had
the empty chair winning the election.
The chair’s getaway home was the Winter Warehouse, the Casa Del Levitz.
"That
government is best which governs least" was a popular axiom in the
early Nineteenth Century and it remains true to this day. Our elected leaders may provide entertainment
value but it comes at the high cost of misgovernance. Therefore, so as not
appear to be picking solely on the Executive, allow me propose a program to
keep our elected representatives safely away from their desks so as to minimize
the harm that they normally inflict.
Firstly, I suggest that we implement a series
of substantial bonuses for athletic achievements such as $100,000 for each
stroke that they take off of their golfing handicap. Other incentives may include $50,000 for each
marathon completed or $100,000 for each triathlon. We could instate further bonuses for
improving their times. We may want to
reward them for extraordinary feats of skill such as scaling high mountains or rappelling
down dangerous cliffs. This should keep
them busy on the course, in the gym, on the road and in training.
While this may sound like a lot of money, it is
a mere pittance compared to what they squander when Congress is in
session. The savings will be enormous.
Furthermore let me propose some ideas that will
pay for themselves and may even turn a profit.
The first moneymaker is a revival of the
popular Battle of the Network Stars which
scored big ratings in the ‘70s and ‘80s.
This time it will be Battle of the
Beltway Pols, where our legislators divide into Team Red and Team Blue to
compete for big money prizes in a wide array of events. Funding would come from advertiser
sponsorships as well as through licensed pari-mutuel betting.
Imagine coverage and commentary provided by the
likes of Bill O’Reilly, Mark Levin, Rachel Maddow and Bill Maher. What could be more fun?
An even bigger idea might be one-on-one mixed
martial arts bouts on pay per view. Who
would not want to see Nancy Pelosi slug it out with Michelle Bachman or Ted Cruz
get it on with Chuck Schumer? To
heighten local interest, a “pork barrel” slice of the purse would go to each
winner’s district. The district would be
free to use their winnings as they see fit – public works, a party at Hooters
or anything in between.
Of course, this will affect the qualifications
that voters will look for in the representatives. These qualities can be developed in similar
state and local contests. The fittest will
survive and move onto the Federal level over time.
Such a system will maximize the entertainment provided by our politicians while distancing them from the halls of
government where they do real harm.
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"Half the people are stoned and the other half are waiting for the next election.
Half the people are drowned and the other half are swimming in the wrong direction."
- Paul Simon
Half the people are drowned and the other half are swimming in the wrong direction."
- Paul Simon
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