Monday, August 19, 2013

Substance Abuse

August 19, 2013

For Immediate Release:

Washington, D.C. – The U.S. Federal Government will follow precedents set by North America’s major professional sports leagues by initiating own strict substance guidelines.

Effective immediately:

1.       Any elected or appointed member of the Executive of Legislative branches of the Federal Government who says anything of substance will be subject to a fine of no less than $1,000 and no more than $10,000

2.       A second offenders will be subject to an immediate 90-day suspension without pay as well as additional fines to be determined by a three-judge panel

1.       Third offenders will be banned for life from government service

This new policy has been widely endorsed by the DNC and the RNC as well as major news outlets, including the New York Times, the Washington Post, the three broadcast networks, PBS, NPR, Fox News, CNN and MSNBC.

In a related development, Senators Rand Paul, Ted Cruz and Mike Lee along with Congressman Justin Amash have been offered amnesty asylum packages outside of the United States.

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